I Don't Want This
by LilyFox
Summary: Oneshot. This is a short story on how your bad life decisions can negatively affect the people you love most. Rory left Logan shortly after graduating from Yale to live with Jess. But his bad decisions are destroying her. Rated M for mature language.


**Disclaimer: **I don't own Gilmore Girls. I can't come up with that many pop culture references to episode ratio that Amy Sherman-Palladino has going on there.

**I Don't Want This**

Rory Gilmore fiddled with her purse as she searched for her keys at the door of apartment 4B. The hallway, like the dilapidated apartment building, was monochrome and lacked vivacity; the color grey permeated the air, stifling all who resided in the building.

Rory found her keys after searching for a few minutes through her purse and opened the wooden door. Throwing her purse and laptop case onto the worn green couch, she glanced around at the spartanly decorated apartment.

It was small and squalid, and what furniture was scattered throughout the apartment had seen better days. The despondent atmosphere that hung over apartment 4B was a true testimony to how she felt about her life at that moment.

Sighing, Rory moved to the kitchenette and went through the process of making a new pot of coffee. Today had been tough; her boss at the New York Observer had called her in to discuss her progress since joining the paper a year ago. He'd notice the quality of her work declining and had given her a masked warning, hiding his true meaning in subtleties. Continue on this path and you'll soon find yourself jobless.

She was drawn out of her moping by the door of her apartment being slammed shut. Rory's eyes met Jess' as he shrugged his jacket off and set it on the counter.

Rory attempted to conceal her disgust as the pungent odor of weed wafted from the leather jacket. Joy, she thought to herself, he's been smoking today.

"Hi Jess," she muttered as she continued watching the steady drips of coffee hit the glass pot, avoiding his gaze.

"Rory." He walked toward the fridge of carelessly yanked the door open searching for something appetizing. After the grabbed a beer he turned back toward his silent girlfriend, "I have bad news."

Her eyes snapped from the coffee pot to his eyes, narrowing suspiciously. "What is it this time? Did you blow the rent money to buy shrooms again?"

"No. Look, I won't do that again. That was one time… I didn't mean to use all the rent money." Rory's only response was to roll her eyes, "No, but I lost my job today."

A sudden rush of emotions tore through her. Keeping her actions in check, she forced her face to look like a detached mask.

"So, why did you lose your job?"

Jess shrugged uncomfortable, "Well I was kind of late getting in to the record shop today and Landon took one look at me and told me I was fired."

"And why would he do that?" Rory knew it was a pointless question. She already had a sneaking suspicion as to why, but… for some unknown reason she wanted Jess to prove her wrong.

Jess shifted nervously. Avoiding her gaze, choosing, instead, to stare at a spot on the wall above her left shoulder, "Well, after you left this morning I decided to go hang out with Freddie and Drew at Jeffery's place. And, well, Drew had just bought some good quality pot the night before and so we decided to all hotbox it at Jeffery's."

Jess jumped back as Rory threw the closest thing she could grab at his head, a ceramic plate. It shattered against the wall, the sound echoed through the apartment, cutting through the pregnant silence as Rory stood in front of a crouched Jess breathing hard.

"God damn it Jess! How are we suppose to get by now?! Because sweetie let me tell you something, we were barely making it with both our salaries before. I can't take it anymore! You squander almost my entire paycheck to buy marijuana, cocaine, mushrooms, and, looking at the new scars on your arm, heroin. And what little you left was spent on paying for food and the rent. What are you going to do now Jess? No one's going to hire you, Landon was your last chance."

"Will you shut the fuck up and stop nagging at me. I'll figure a way out I always do. You're pessimism is not helping!."

"My pessimism?! God, Jess, I've given up so much to be here with you. You've broken so many promises already... I left Logan for you, and all you do is spend cash we don't have. I'd ask my friends to help us out, but, oh yeah, you scared them off. My grandparents won't help me now, and my mother hasn't even spoken to me since I left- because of you! I think I get to be a little pessimistic!"

"Don't you dare blame me for everything. I didn't force them to do any of those things. You did just as much to push them away as I did, Rory."

"You lied to me! You made me believe that you were going to make something out of yourself. When you came to Yale my junior year, with your book, I was so proud of you! I thought that it was the beginning; I didn't know you were a one-hit wonder!

"Then when we ran into each other after I graduated you told me you loved me. You promised me we'd be happy together. I could be at the Boston Globe instead of here! Jess, I really wanted that job," by this time Rory was tearing up. She tilted her head back and closed her eyes, willing the tears not to fall.

"I had plans, I was going to move to Boston with Logan and live near my dad. I was going to get to know my baby sister better, and I was going to win a Pulitzer Prize for an article I'd have written for the Globe. With all your promises I thought my life in New York City would be amazing. You _promised _you'd continue working on your writing, try and become a best selling novelist. And some of it's my fault. I was so naive! I could see us living in Greenwich Village, you being the struggling writer and I'd work for the Times, and even if money was tight we'd be happy and in love. But no, you decided to ruin all that when you started taking drugs and that's when everything went to hell."

Jess stood perfectly still, staring at her with a surprised expression on his face. This was the first time Rory had opened up since she'd moved in, and truthfully everyday she stayed in this shit hole the more detached she'd become toward not only Jess but also toward life. That's why her writing suffered, because she'd fallen into depression over the state her decisions had caused her life to become.

The tension in the room was at its threshold and Rory couldn't stand to be there anymore. Without warning she darted away from Jess, seeking sanction in their bedroom. She quickly shut the door and threw herself onto their bed. For some odd reason the bed symbolized to Rory an asylum, a safe haven.

She buried her head into her pillow and her entire body was racked with sobs as she let the mask slip off. The minutes flowed away, with Rory's sobs slowly transforming into silent tears.

Twenty minutes later she heard the door slowly open and Jess slowly making his way into the bedroom trying to be as a quiet as possible. He sat on the edge of their bed, just looking down at Rory who had stains on her cheek from when the tears had trickled down. Her nose was bright red and her cerulean eyes shone brighter because of the tears, reflecting a tragic despondency.

Sitting up, she was shocked when Jess suddenly hugged her tightly. Her shock slowly transformed into revulsion as the smell of marijuana permeated her senses, and she impulsively recoiled away from him.

"Rory," his voice tinged with hurt. "I can't stop. You've got to understand I'm in over my head and truthfully, I don't want to stop. My life is irreparable, and without drugs it'd just be worse. They help me, Rory. Why can't you understand that? Why can't you accept that?"

Rory stared at him with horror, "How can you say your life is irreparable?" She spat out, "You've published a book, and you're a talented writer Jess. You have so much potential. But I can see now that your life is dominated by a force more powerful than I can control. You'll never break free from drugs, will you?" Tears were freely falling as she looked at Jess with such vulnerability and melancholy.

Jess violently scrambled off the bed and recoiled from her and the heartbreaking expression she was giving him. "Fuck, Rory! I can't… I need to… I'm going to Freddie's apartment." He was visibly sweating and the familiar tremor, which had appeared when he had first started taking drugs, was getting uncontrollable.

"Fine! If you rather stick a fucking needle into your blood vein and shoot up heroin, go ahead. Or are you going to snort cocaine at Freddie's, ruin your nasal passage? You're destroying yourself mentally and physically. Hell, Jess, you can hardly manage the stairs between here and Drew's!"

Jesse stormed out of the room, the stench of weed hanging in the air. Rory stared off at the wall contemplating the whole afternoon. Slowly Rory got up and walked toward her desk, opening the bottom drawer. Inside were half a dozen picture frames. Rory picked up each frame staring at the images, letting memories flood her.

A picture of her mother and Luke, from when Logan and she had invited them to Martha's Vineyard for Valentines Day Weekend. They were staring at each other lovingly with the sea in the background.

A picture of Paris and her, dating back to their Chilton years. It was taken the summer they'd spent together in Washington D.C. for the conference before senior year. It must have been taken after Paris' date with Jaime, for she radiated with happiness.

A picture of her father and Gigi, sitting in front a Christmas tree with brightly wrapped presents surrounding them. Her father had sent it to her two years ago and she'd thought Gigi looked absolutely adorable in her little plaid dress and blonde curls.

A picture of Logan and her cuddled together fast asleep, on his couch in their old apartment before he left for London. She remembered that Finn had secretly taken the picture and after much begging he'd agreed to print her a copy.

A picture taken in front of the gazebo in Stars Hollow, where she held Kwan and Lane, next to her, held Steve. They were smiling brightly and in the background Kirk was in the middle of what Rory assumed was an interpretive dance move. Oh, how she missed Stars Hollow.

A picture of Richard and Emily standing on stage at Rory's graduation party singing the song they'd written in her honor. That'd been slightly embarrassing at first, but she'd loved the song and the gesture, she couldn't help but smile when she remembered that night.

And last of all a picture of Paris, Stephanie, and her dressed up in their graduation caps and gowns with Logan, Finn and Colin surrounding them at her Yale Graduation. Two weeks after graduation was when she met with Jess again and decided to give up everything to be with him.

A single tear rolled down her cheek as she thought about Jess and his drug problems, all she could think to herself was…

_I don't want to be judgmental._

_I don't want to be close-minded._

_I don't want to be idealistic._

_I don't want to be parochial._

_I don't want to be orthodox._

_I don't want to be naïve._

_I don't want to be puritanical._

_I don't want to be disapproving._

_But… I don't want this._

**This is dedicated to my close friend Brian.**

**a/n: My beta told me this was an extreme departure from my regular writing. I'm sorry it's not happy, and I'm sorry to all Jess lovers. I don't have anything against him... it's just out of all of Rory's love intrests over the years he was the most likely to throw away his life. **


End file.
